The Larkins Way

Obama Non Grata

2008-04-15T23:16:00.002-04:00

Bittergate.

It was only a matter of time before "-gate" got affixed to something and man, have people run with this hum dinger of a Pennsylvania zinger.

Let me let you in on a little secret. Obama is right. Having grown up in Eastern Ohio in Youngstown and having lived in Western PA in Pittsburgh for almost a decade, I can say without a doubt there are an assload of ignorant, narrowminded, overvealous, biggoted, drunken, yet religeous fools.

The majority of these people have been running aroung for the last thirty years waiting for all the steel mills to reopen and generally discriminating against anyone who didn't grow up on thier block. Hell, I've watched white people hate on white people based soley on nationality and sports team preference. These have to be some of the most fickle bastards around.

A day or two after September eleventh I was at a bar around the corner from where I lived in Pittsburgh doing my part for the country by drinking myself into a stupor. What I witnessed that day pretty much summed up the fine working class citizens of western PA: one fellah turns to another and says "We ought to go pull all them sand racial epitaths out into the streets and beat them." All in attendance agreed. I got 40s to go and went home.

Trust me, that's not isolated and most people I know can recall similar instances. Hillary needs to take her head out of her ass and just stick to her anecdotes for personal experience in every situation ever. She seems oblivious to why these people are angry or believe what they believe.

That's not to say everyone is like this. There are many hardworking indiviuals who show good sense and a desire to move forward, but the past and the future are currently tripping over each other and going into this next election, there are those people who will exploite this for personal gain as apposed to recognizing it and attempting to help those who have been ignored for far too long.

Bush is an awful president and his administration is the worst of my lifetime.

Texas Road Rash

2008-01-31T23:14:00.000-05:00

Check this out:

http://www.corridorwatch.org/ttc/index.htm

This looks shady as hell. Texans don't want it, multiple politicians are against it but the TTC says they're getting it.

It's a proposed mega highway the likes never imagined before basically linking Mexico to Canada via the good ol' USA and it gonna involve Mexican influence, American afluence and a little awful bastard named eminent domain.

The fact that state or federal governments would even begin to seriously consider or implement a project like this says volumes about thier dedication to the average American.

Read into that as you will.

Conspiracy Reality?

2008-01-28T22:26:00.000-05:00

Just recently I had the audacity to start reading articles and following one point from an article to another article regarding that point, so on and so forth. Now while I usually have no regrets about expanding my horizons, every now and again I happen upon somthing rediculous that makes me wonder while I wasted my time instead of watching a SpongeBob rerun.

It just so happens that I watched the 'Life After People' show on the History Channel and found it interesting. This lead me to the internet where I decided to follow up on some things I got to mulling over while watching.

Needless to say this lead me to end of the world prophacies, 2012 hysteria, NWO and illuminati therories and a Monday morning spent reading about the Freemasons. Apperantly I will be excommunicated from the Church if I entertain the idea of becoming a Freemason.

I am not planning on joining, they seem kinda shifty. The Freemasons, not the Catholic Church. Which is good because I am Catholic.

What I'm trying to get to is that in these travels I came across a movement referred to as the North American Union (NAU) This is an idea apperantly growing feet within the governments of Canada, America and Mexico that would involve a dissolution of borders, laws pertaining to immigration and bussiness movements accordingly and the introduction of the "Amero" as the unit of currency in this new unified "New World Order" as it was reffered to by George H W Bush over a decade ago.

Now I found all of this kind of strange and wrote it off as misinterpretations from wierdos on the internet. That is until I was doing some reading on the current presidential canidates and by shear happenstance stumbled upon an article by CNN's own Lou Dobbs. It can be found here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vuBo4E77

It appears that it's true. What's even more odd is that there is articles that describe this administrations actions to begin intergrating the US and EAU economies as early as 2015. This is being reffered to as the "Transatlantic Common Market" by the administration and has six US Senators and 49 House members as advisers the the group the 'Transatlantic Policy Network', which has led to the "creation of the Transatlantic Economic Council by the U.S. and the EU through an agreement signed by President Bush, German Chancellor Angela Merkel – the current president of the European Council – and European Commission President Jose Manuel Barroso"

http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=59713

The problem with reading this and then trying to find respectable info regarding it is that you find alot of conspiracy kook-ary and when I read the State of the Union Address transcript, I started second guessing wording and motives looking for the boogeyman hiding inbetween the lines.

I will probably keep my eye on what I described above, but i'm going to take a couple of days to distill what I've taken in this weekend so I don't end up with a tinfoil hat on my head with my cell phone locked in a lead safe.

That isn't to say that any of what is or might be happening sould be taken lightly... or maybe not.

Elections Time Begins Anew!

2007-11-01T21:21:00.000-04:00

I happened to be reading the other day because i'm literate and literacy is cool. Reading, catch the feaver! That being said, I found myself innudated with all that makes this country good. Good and awful.

First, your wonderful commander in chief "W" went on the offensive and aired out all of his grievences with congress. Their ineptitude, their inability to legislate, thier constant and unfounded investigation into this administration and worst of all they wont shut up about the war. Why don't they understand if we don't keep blindly funneling billions into Iraq we wont live to see freedom blow it's seed all over the middle east's face?

Watching him dodge the issues he needs to address and the inability to realize his failure and inneptitude only to project it onto others impresses me because it embodies all that is the American spirit for the 21st century. Unfortunately, it pains me to know the irony of it all is lost on him.

Second, South Carolina democrats have blocked Steven Colbert from running for the presidential bid in that state because it could possibly "Make a mockery of the *presidential* election process"...

Fellahs, remember 2000? It's already a mockery. Seven years too late my friends. At least this finally highlights and helps soften the infuriating blow that is modern politics.

It just keeps getting better and better.

Concentrated Stupid.

2007-06-08T19:52:00.000-04:00

Three shots rang out of the darkness. I hit the ground harder then a debutant's sweet sixteen dress behind a coat room door. I hurt. I could feel the growing blanket of warm underneath my shirt well enough to know I didn't need to look to see what it was. Not that it mattered anyway, bullet hit my spine shattering it like the innocence of a child who just discovered Santa isn't real.

At about this time between the gasps for air and the fight to gain a grasp on my pistol, the 'I told you so' from my better judgement crept up to remind me that I was a fool for trusting that half assed clown.

"Well, you gonna finish the job or just let me bleed out right here on the concrete floor?" All I was met with was a smile. That damn sharktoothed grin he always flashed when he thought he was being coy. "In due time," he hissed. "I just want to savor this moment. You know, the deep red of your blood matches that awful purple suit of yours to a T." He was probably right. He usually is.

He crouched down over me, a vulture waiting to pick my dead bones clean, only to add, "You were right not to believe me. This must be killing you, no pun intended, that you had to go along with me. To follow. Hoping I would lead you to the truth. Well, here it is: it was me. I killed the mayor." My god, it was so clear.

I knew he was involved but I only thought he was a pawn. A low level player in so deep his only option was to rely on me to save his sorry ass. Now it was my ass needed saving. What marvelous stroke of irony. I hate irony.

In my waning sight his outline reminded me of some bastard angel come to reap my soul to be served up to the devil in some ethereal feast. He casually continued, "That sorry crook. That hapless troglodyte thief. You drove yourself mad chasing him. Eating up every false word I fed you like a good son, hoping to collar some naif you thought was a criminal mastermind. Well, I wouldn't worry about him. Last I heard he was on extended vacation at the bottom of the Hudson with an ice pick in his skull. Case closed. I imagine that's a giant weight off of your shoulders." I tried desperately to spit back a screw you, but could barely muster a welp.

"So," he cheerfully said clearing his throat, "If we're finished here, I guess it's time to put you to sleep." I grit my teeth in anticipation ready to receive my permanent retirement.

It was the slam of a rusted steel dock door that snapped me back to reality. "Freeze damnit! Police!" My partner managed to find me in quite a compromising situation. I reckon I owe her a drink.

"Well well, whose this lovely little bird?" He said as though we were all old friends. "Don't you know it's impolite to point at someone? Especially a firearm."

"Drop the gun dirtbag or I gotta drop you!" And then a shot.

"No my little dove, I'm sorry to say it is you who is dropped!" There she was, lying not more then twenty feet from me one shot to the chest. Damn. She never was aggressive enough, always chirping away oblivious to the harsh, bitter, boozy assault of life. This was my golden opportunity. My redemption.

With a determination I've never known before I clasp the handle of my pistol. With the whole of myself I raise my arm exactly sync with him turning to face me again. I squeeze the trigger twice hoping lady luck gives me the courtesy of a reach around. One shot misses in a grand fashion, the second takes off the back of his skull. Pay back you son of a bitch.

So now here I lay, possibly the last moments of my pathetic life. Could I have done more? I really should have lost all that weight. No one wants to bury a fat man. But i got him. Ronnie M., Jesus I got him. I smile. Grimmace got him.

OH! That War!

2007-05-15T22:16:00.000-04:00

So republicans have addressed W themselves to say they do not believe he has the credibility or wherewithal to continue engaging America on Iraqs progress. Apperently I drank a whole bunch pasted out and woke up in the bizzaro USA.

Guess what? Now that we are heading balls first into a new election year and the good ol GOP is on the skids with W incapable of getting a handjob from a coked up christian minister, it's all: "We were wrong, we need to find a resolution, oh woe is us why did we listen to and believe W?"

WOO! WOO! All aboard the Bullshit Express! The republican bullet train 08 non-stop to November 4th! Be prepared to show your ticket to recieve a full load of lines from the conductors of the finest smear campain ever, the presidential election!

Get ready for a reprisal of last election only this time, the war must come to a resolution. At least until it no longer serves an agenda.

Rant-cour

2007-05-14T21:55:00.000-04:00

Every asshole with an opinion and a pulse has taken it upon themselves to not only be alive but to interact with the rest of society successfully bringing down the collective intelligence of a whole nation.

Case for example one: Paris Hilton

Have you ever wondered what scabies would look like if it were a person and had more money then I have reasons to live? Well, were it technically unemployed and driving on a suspended license, it would be Paris Hilton.

This resource waster has the diamond crusted platinum balls to drive on a suspended license, get caught, get sentenced to jail time, then whine that it is cruel and unusual. Luckily, a high priced lawyer was ridiculous enough to echo this statement trying to make the case that here sheltered life makes her incapable of serving said time.

My advice to you, Paris... Don't drop the soap and sleep with your ass against the wall.

As a bonus reason to de disgusted with this poor excuse for entertainer/designer/human she has pleaded to her fans to start a petition to present to the governator of California, the terminator. Great.

This brings me to case for 2: The majority of Americans.

Hoo boy. If there was ever a group of mouth breathing troglodytes that are in need of a foot in the ass it would be the majority of us. The fact that more people are concerned about a rich socialite scab and a stupid show about slightly talented jackasses (Not to be confused with the show Jackass featuring slightly untalented jackasses) then about an increasingly disastrous war and deteriorating homeland infrastructure says allot about America. Mostly we are lecherous shitfaces.

The final case for big number 3: The George W Bush administration

What can I say that I or 49 percent of the country hasn't already said? Hmmm... Told you so. To begin where the problems start or where it looks like might never end is well beyond the scope of my ability or consciousness so for now all I'll say is: "W", don't drop the international soap and sleep with the nation's ass against the wall.

As always, enjoy the freedom.

The Adventures of Conservative Lou

2007-02-28T21:51:00.000-05:00

What the hell was I thinking with this? Anyway, I think I am going to keep up Conservative Lou's misadventures with liberal propaganda. So keep a look out for Lou, who knows what kind of monkey shines he'll get himself into next!

Project: '08

2007-02-26T21:52:00.000-05:00

If you've happened upon this, congratulations. You have found the first update of the new year for the Larkins Way. While there was once a proud tradition of jackassery on this site, it has become as stagnate as a news day without a story about Anna Nicole Smith or that Mr. Clean doppelgänger Britney Spears.

It has only been recently that a prelevant apathy towards world events has become increasingly apparent to a ward of truth and righteousness such as myself. That being said, I feel wholly compelled to use my all encompassing gift of insight and fortitude to once again take up my sword and strike a blow for the "little guy". That means you, John and Jane Q. Jerkface.

Please do not misconstrude my frankness for insults. Look no further then the fine administration of this proud country and try to argue that they do not treat you and I, good old fashioned, tax paying, law abiding, debt incurring, all resourse consuming and endlessly procreating citizens as nothing more then ignorant jerkfaces.

If you will, look no further then W and his cronies ever growing laundry list of red flags against Iran such as the weapons that insurgents are using against our troops that are marked with serial numbers that prove that they were produced in Iran. Now, there is no solid evidence that the Iranian goverentment is suppling them, but through double talk and shady word association as recently as February 14th W has been making his case, but just this week he has recinded the bulk of his accusations becuase he was finally called out for bullshit.

Left to his own devices, much like almost 4 years ago (and yes, it has been that long) W and his ilk will weasel thier way into another war we can't afford of properly fight because they are on some what... was it? Oh, yea... crusade. This is why it is time for me to begin anew the Larkins Way sarcasm and cynism machine leading up to the 2008 elections. Please do check back frequently.

Also, the pic in this update was taken from a website that teaches verse from the bible using legos. It's pretty neat if you ask me:

http://www.thebricktestament.com/

Jive Turkey

2006-11-23T11:43:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving, bitches! I'm gonna eat myself stupid!

Speaking of stupid, hows about that big puckered brown eye of a prime minister in Canada recognizing Quebec as it's ownn nation. Just what we need, some upity French-Canadians getting all high and mighty about being thier own country. Well, at least the rest of Canada doesn't have to be associated with them anymore... jackasses.

Word.

Where From Here?

2006-11-20T22:01:00.000-05:00

Well, Thanksgiving is almost here and soon it will be time for all of us white devils to celebrate the near genocide of the proud native peoples of this country making it possible for Americans to traverse the cracked, decaying streets of our mind boggling superficial cities so we can enjoy buying the latest, pointlessly expensive piece of Wal-Mart shit while stuffing our veins with deep-fried lard. This is MY America, and I'll be damned if I'd have it any other way.

In keeping touch with the crass commercial and consumeristic predictability that has come to be the hallmark or our increasingly pathetic society, I have started kicking around a few really wickedly sweet ideas that might help me jump start on the road to being the fashion mogul I always knew I couldn't be, but am willing to fake if it means I may get the chance to see Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Ritchie wrestle it out over a Twinkie shaped like a penis.

Imagine if you will, a bright white room. One blurred out window off to the side with a hint of blue azure, a soft glow fills the screen softening the elegant lines of a beautiful, and full figured woman resting on a couch. She is dressed in a white satin dress gently blowing about in what can only be perceived as an embrace of seduction. Her pout red lips curl coyly into a smile, as if to say, I know what you are thinking. Not a word is said. Her head cocks gently to the side as if to say, explore the surrounding sensuality. As the camera pans out, we see she has a companion… A chimpanzee in a white suit with a red cummerbund. As he flashes his widest and brightest smile, he holds out a bottle. An elegant crystal bottle. As he lets out his primitive shriek of joy, only a whisper fills your ears… LeMurph.

That's my idea for a perfume fragrance. Pretty sweet, huh? The fragrance will be reminiscent of vinilla and lavender with only the slightest hint of regret.

Not to your liking? I was also thinking of going the General Mills' route and releasing a line of teas that will warm away even the most stressful of days and the most burdensome of situations. This new item is called, "Jimmy and Murph's Creepy Love Tea". A relaxingly fit blend of spices bourne out of the shadows of what can only be described as a friendship between two regrettable souls.

As you can see, the idea factory is going into overtime and all my ideas are being paid time and a half. Hopefully, one of these bitches will take off and daddy can shed himself of the shackles of the nine to five grind in favor of an endless, drunken stupor that makes Gary Busey bloated with jealousy. Wish me luck!

A Word From Sam Snow.

2006-11-06T23:00:00.000-05:00

This following was contributed by a compatriot of mine. His name appears somewhere in this article, can you find it? Enjoy the update, whoever the hell still reads this. Tomorrow I think I'll bitch about the elections and Bush... I'm going to make an effort to lay off the nudie pictures and get back into the business or writing things nobody cares about. See you there...

1) If you are using a touchscreen voting device, you have no way of knowing if it has been hacked. As the machine does not present you with a ticket/ receipt, you have no way of checking it against the machine's records of when your vote was recorded and who received it. Not to worry, though. As we've seen in the last six years, your vote doesn't actually count, and the courts don't seem particularly interested in seeing the process refined when they have the ability to sweep it under the rug.

2) If you believe that people who don't vote also do not have the right to complain about the way things are being run, how do you feel about participating in a game that is rigged against you? Stupid? You should. The mentality of those who spout this kind of nonsense are either members of the ruling party, or apologists who don't really have an understanding of our government's actual structure. Here's a hint: Once you elect a candidate, that candidate levies taxes or relaxes regulations that will benefit the companies that supported that candidate's campaign. As a voter who probably works a job and is still roughly one month from dining in dumpsters, the average Joe/ Jane simply doesn't have the resources to spare an all-expenses paid junket to a private golf course, where his or her letter to the congressperson probably ends up thrice-folded and wedged under a table leg to stabilize the stripper's dancing surface.

3) Both parties are full of shit. Need proof? Have you been watching any of the political ads these past few weeks? This negative campaigning has gotten so bad that the ads are now completely devoid of any mention of silly shit like, i dunno, policies. How the living hell is anyone supposed to make an informed decision concerning the maintenance of this country if the only time these candidates show any fire is when they level their guns against their opponent? I know people will play along, regardless, based upon whatever AM radio pundit they subscribe to, but third-hand information is seldom accurate, even if the pundit of choice claims that they "pay attention so that you don't have to." Anyone who thinks that they don't have to pay close attention to these asshats deserves whoever wins. And, just because I'm thinking of it, don't trust those fucks that switch to 'Independent' just to save their career. I'm talking to you, Joe Lieberman. I got my eye on you.

4) To quote Bill Hicks: "ALL GOVERNMENTS ARE LYING COCKSUCKERS." (Yes, I believe he actually said that in all caps.)

Just so you know, I do not intend to vote this time. I know, some of you already forgot what I said way up there in #2, so I'll take a minute as you deftly scroll back and reread it.

You back? Alright. To add to that, and a few of the other ones, I would ask you to recall what Kerry said in the days leading up to the election. Except you people that had to scroll up and reread; you're excused.

He said that every vote would be counted. Remember?

Then what happened?

He proved that he didn't even have the spine that Gore had. Sure, they both claimed that they were abdicating for the stability of the country, but I really don't think there were riots in the streets. I don't remember running scared, dodging molotov cocktails, burning flags. My point, of course, being that the count should have gone on AS LONG AS IT HAD TO.

At no point did I surrender my right to vote to the Supreme Court, mainly because the Supreme Court is comprised of officials that I DID NOT ELECT. They only interpret the law, and if they are to err, they better fuckin' err on the side of the people, not these glorified public servants.

The fact that we, the citizens, didn't take to the streets and riot I believe is a testimony to our sense of humor and patience. This is a good thing, but only when our good nature isn't being taken advantage of.

Which brings us to tomorrow, and the question:

If you are fed a constant supply of shit, what does it mean to be a connoisseur?

A beginers Guide To Assholes.

2006-06-19T22:05:00.000-04:00

Have you ever wondered what makes an asshole tick? I mean a real low-down awful bastard. The kind of guy that saunters into a room and instantly ruins the mood by interjecting his shit eating grin and insufferably vain point of view thusly and sucessfully making everone else in the room regret even taking the time to show up.

This filthy, no good, slimey son of a bitch is the kind of person who wakes up in the morning thinking to himslf "People want to hear my baseless, uninformed comments on subjects I know nothing and could care less about." You know who I mean. He gets a price check at the dollar store. He can't believe you won't accept his expired coupon. He knows it was his space first and you are disrespecting him by taking it. He'd buy this round but he only has fifties. He slaps the waitress on the ass and says, "Thanks, dollface." while winking and only tipping five percent. No matter who it is, he slept with her and she was no good. Your lady settled for you because she couldn't have him. His kid? Just like his old man except he's the class bully, twelve and still in the fifth grade.

Your boss, your coworker, your neighbor, that guy who sits next to you at mass and every other assorted jerk off that tap dances his way into your life long enough to ruin any thought of performing your banal and mudane tasks in a timely enough manner so as to get home and drink thier existance away.

If you are like me, your life is populated with misreble wretches like this whos only purpose is to build himself up by tearing others down. There is no escape. There is no retreat. Your only hope is to avoid him but he will be there. Meetings? He's setting them up. Lunch? That's when the meeting is. The restroom? He's the guy saying "So this is where all the dicks hang out." The bar? This is where he's honed his skill. If I might, I will present a short list of some of the worst assholes that are around. Be wary of them.

The president
The vice president
Most republicans
Tom Cruise
Myself
Anyone French
Most CEOs and company presidents
Middle management
Boss Hogg
Pat Robertson
All of the 1978 Pittsburgh Steelers
Mr. Dithers
Former Youngstown, Ohio Mayor McKelvey
Kevin Ferdiline
Ronald McDonald
Tom DeLay
Bugs Bunny
That guy who sits next to me every morning on the busride to work
any hipster on the scene
Kittens
The governor of Ohio
Ryan Seacrest
Reality program contestants
Yourself
Jeb Bush
Voltron
Omelettville
Paris Hilton

This is just a small list of many, I mean MANY offenders to modern man's better senses. These swollen, puckered, brown eyes of society are pretty much inescapable. The best thing one can do is to tune these self involved handjobs out and go to a happy place that consists of a monkey mudwrestling a midget.

Immgrates

2006-05-04T20:28:00.000-04:00

Like so many reoccurring cases of herpes, The Larkins Way is back to peddle its very own brand of snake oil and ignorance. A lot of nonsense has happened during a hiatus filled with self-loathing, internal conflict and one very sexy game of "Omeletteville Lost His Pants". Almost too much for me to even really care about, but one thing has grabbed my baby maker and given it a good 'How do you do'. That issue is immigrant's rights. More specifically, illegal immigrants rights. If your anything like me and judging by the lack of empathy for this site your not, there ain't nothin' right about being illegal.

That ol' soft spot Omeletteville however, has a real bleeding heart for the border busters that is only exceeded by his sympathy for hapless bastard Tom Arnold. He also sits when he pees, but that is beside the point.

What is the point is that the two of us thought we'd rustle us up an immigrant and hold a forum to discuss the sensitive issues of illegal immigration that face us as a nation today.

The orator will be none other then Smokey and the Bandit and the panel will consist of yours truly, Omeletteville and Pepe; a day laborer we invited to join us for this frank and informative discussion. We hope you enjoy and learn a little something today.

SatB: Gentleman, thank you for joining the Internet and me tonight to discuss this volatile issue.

O'ville: Thank you, Smokey. It's nice to meet you, Pepe. Murph.

Murph: Smokey, always a pleasure. Welcome to the U.S. Pepe. Omelette, nice dye job.

Pepe: ¿Por qué mantiene usted el llamamiento mí Pepe?

SatB: Omelette, let's start with you. Given the recent and growing outrage against these administration policies, do you see a softening in their political stance?

O'ville: Absolutely, given the ever-growing outcry from the public, this administration would be foolish not to address legitimate social concerns.

Murph: I tend to disagree with that line of reasoning…

O'ville: Eat it, jerkface. I got the floor!

SatB: Wait, let's shift gears and hear Murph out.

Pepe: ¿Quién es usted personas? ¿Por qué soy yo blindfilded con medias de damas?

SatB: Slow down, Pepe. You'll get your chance to speak.

Murph: Thank you Smokey. As I was saying, the president and his cabinet are too overloaded with a myriad of other international problems at the moment to direct their attention to this issue.

O'ville: What problems? Like who get a piece of your ass next?

Murph: Did your mother tell you that after she jumped old man Cheney's brittle bones? Cause that's what she said after I jumped hers.

SatB: Zing!

Pepe: ¿Por qué huele como vasoline y menta aquí dentro? Por favor Señor los mantiene lejos de "México pequeño"!

SatB: OK Pepe, you seem like a real chatty Cathy about this issue. What are your thoughts?

Pepe: ¡Otra vez con Pepe! ¿Por qué gringos no me saldrán usted ir el trabajo en los campos? Espero que esto no sea alguna clase de la pandilla del sexo de wierd…

O'ville: How interesting. I really connect with your feelings on this topic, Pepe.

Pepe: ¡En el segundo pensó, ha sido un rato y como ellos dicen, "Cuando en Roma"!

Murph: Hey! Hands off the goods, Pepe!

SatB: It appears someone wants to go back south of the border. Wink!

Pepe: ¡Diablo blanco! cómo usted tienta mis sentidos!

O'ville: Uh, can we get back to the discussion?

Murph: Screw that. This guy's getting a little to glad to know ya for my tastes.

SatB: Well… at least we broached the subject. That's usually a victory around here. Until next time gentle audience! Adios!

Pepe: ¿Cuál alguno de ustedes quiere un sabor de mis tamales? ¡MMMMMMM!

Heads Up

2006-02-22T18:56:00.000-05:00

Just thought you should all know, Saint Patrick's Day is just around the corner.

My Latest Idea.

2006-02-13T21:52:00.000-05:00

Lately, I've been thinking about different things I can do to keep the Larkins Way interesting, fresh and tasty. I've tried multiple things but to my ever growing shagrin, none have really "stuck".

I've come to the realization I am a one trick pony. A first class hack. A republican vice president with shit for aiming accuracy. It really is difficult to continually write updates when you are constantly trying to reuse the same idea over and over but just changing the words around. Kinda like that J.K. Rowlings chap, only with less obnoxious English charm.

That's where my latest rediculous interactive idea comes into play. Here's the rub, Horatio: send me a few of your favorite words and a couple of topics. if there are enough words and one really good topic, I will write an update using those provided items. It's like "Who's line is it anyway" and a real shitty version of "MadLibs"
rolled into one awful trainwreck of a writing experiment. This one is guaranteed to disappoint, folks!

As far as I can tell, this is a real hum-dinger of a half-assed attempt at entertainment. So indulge a talentless jerk and send in those topics and words. I'll cull the herd and take the rest for a kick-ass* update.

*May not kick-ass.

I'm Off To The Pity Party.

2006-02-07T21:28:00.000-05:00

Does the above image offend you? Do you want to throw rocks and firebombs at my house? Do you love cats? Are you Muslim? If you answered yes to these questions, you are an asshole. Now don't read into this the wrong way, but again, if you answered yes to those questions, you will. I'm not looking to offend anyone, I'm just looking to express myself in an unfunny and sophmoronic manner. Often times someone is going to say or do something you don't like and often times that someone is me so I'm told. Welcome to the world, wear a helmet and be a big boy.

Unfortunately it appears that a cartoon of the revered Muslim grand poobah with an explosive turban got the better part of the Middle East in a frenzy. The worse part is still under reconstruction. There have been apologies and denouncements of this hateful, bigoted, slightly erotic image and frankly I am befuddled. No one said "kill Muslims" or "whitey's gonna get ya", it was a satirical image conveying the idea that there are those who use a religion for evil deeds. Sorry if a thought outside of the "collective" is seen as a threat to your way of life which seems to be the only one that matters.

Oddly enough as a Catholic, I have witnessed countless jabs, sneers, jokes, puns, insults, atrocities, crimes, mini-series, movies, books and cereals aimed with razor sharp barbs at my respective religion. Do Catholics band together roaming the streets and creating havok? Outside of Ireland that is. No. it's rude and disruptive. look, sorry to say but it may be time to join the rest of us with being content to concentrating our ire on W, but not blowing things/people up. If you're still upset, here is a pic of a cute baby:

Now, all you gay cowboys: shut up. Just shut the hell up. So some people casually joke about 'Brokeback Mountain'. Bigots are bigots and that lame-ass movie isn't going to be the lynchpin deciding factor for that spiteful little bastard on the cusp but can't quite decide if he hates gays or not. So you are here and queer, fabulous. I for one could care less what you do and with whom. I would use my anti-Catholic defense but you probably have legitimate beef there. I'll give you that. Point and Match. So for you, here is a picture of a kitten in a cowboy hat:

If you in anyway find any part of this offensive, poorly written, or unentertaining, drop me a line. I'll be happy to insult you personally. Also, I'm still accepting dollar donations. Thanks, bitches.

murph@larkinsway.info

Can I Scam A Washington?

2006-01-16T22:31:00.000-05:00

I recieved a call today from an old associate who I haven't spoken to in some time. In the course of our conversation, he brought up this twinkling gem in the eye of the internet and I had to be honest with the fact I've been a stale cracker as of late. I'm looking to change things up a bit seeing that bitching about the government isn't "doing it" for me like it used to. That and it's probably the reason why I am on the goverment watch list, which if you have the auspicious honor to be part of this exclusive "who's who" you know it's a son of a bitch to get to a flight in a timely manner.

That being said, I mentioned I was trying to shift gears and wanted to do more with this turd but lacked time and money. That's when he passed an innocent comment that got the ball rolling on what I believe is my best idea to date. You, the reader, can help this tiny beggar child flourish by donating one stinking dollar to the "Bigger, Badder, Totally Kick-Ass Larkins Way Fund"

That's right, by floating me one dead president, you can help to transform this ugly duckling into the most beautiful bell at the ball. This is a deal so sweet, I'm getting cavities just thinking about it.

Now I know you're probably saying, "What do I get for a buck, Murph?" Good question. Here's what you get: The chance to do me a solid and build the Larkins Way into a mighty force and it's also a tax write-off. Unless you pay federal taxes, I forgot to sign the part of the form that makes that possible. Are you a fan from another country? No problem, Paco! Just go outside, smear some dirt on your face and weasel a gorgeous George from an American tourist. They're stupid and will probably think you are some helpless waif. Take that Godless infidels! For your troubles, I will contact them personally and yell, "You've been had by the Larkins Way, bitches!" in your native tounge, assuming it's english.

Seeing that you're going to be part of the rebirth of this hovel, I'll let you in on some of the particulars that are planned. First, the grooming of the Larkins way new mascot, Mr. Kibbles. I found this little scamp sleeping in a trash can in the alley next to the office and while he was a little feral at first, a warm bowl of milk fixed that right up. Now he spends his days running around my office and napping on the couch. Why he's at my feet right now curled up like the cutest little angel. But he needs a little spit shine and we aren't bringing in the scratch to make that possible. So, if not for me, do it for Mr. Kibbles.

Second, I'm buying Omeletteville's soul back from the devil. He sold it on the condition that MSU would win the nation championship this year. We all know how that panned out. That's why you haven't heard from him in awhile. As of right now he is suffering eternal pain and torture the likes our feeble mortal intellect could never comprehend or imagine in the lowliest pits of hell. Oddly enough I met the devil when he came to collect and he lookes suspiciously like the Vice President, only with more charm and compassion.

Next is capital to start up my Hookers for Humanity project. The Larkins Way is always looking to give back to the community and this seems the best way to go and this site would make the perfect launchpad for my dream. If capable, you will be able to utilize this site to meet and greet the lady of the night of your dreams. Also, I might pay the bills for once.

As you can see there is alot that needs to be done if this site is going to recieve the recognition it so rightfully deserves but it's going to take the help and determination of you, the faithful readers to bring this vision to fruition. This isn't another half baked internet scam to bilk the clueless out of money, it's just one dollar I need to borrow for an unconfirmed amount of time to get the ball rolling on exciting and fantastic new avenues of Larkins Way entertainment. Remember, Mr. Kibbles is counting you you.

So email me and let me know your intentions to give one for the team.

Things Are Things.

2006-01-12T20:47:00.000-05:00

If you are reading this, you've either stumbled upon this site in a drunken stupor or you still check in hoping this bunch of slack-asses got thier shit together. Either way, you'll probably be building yourself up for a big letdown.

It's been awhile so let's get down to business. The bloggies are coming up and boy, it would be a HUGE confidence booster if we got some votes. (Hint hint, grandma!) That being said, I can't even rant about our government. It's beyond lampooning at this point. The scope of corruption, greed, ineffectiveness and scandalous dealings have stymied even this most cynical of individuals.

THOUGH, you ain't walkin' away empty handed, because tonigh I'm giving you my guide to corporate America. I have the magnificent honor of working for a large multifacited organization every Monday through Friday of my hopeless, meaningless exsistance. All you college grads and such take these tips to heart and do me proud!

Interviewing:

Don't mention your dislike of greedy bastards or penchant for ethics or honesty. That's a one way ticket to rejection letter land. Once I recieved three rejection letters from the same company. Though, I did refer to myself as "Three times a charm Murphy"

Wear pants. I can't stress this enough.

Refrain from presenting your references on a bar napkin. It may seem like a good idea the night before, but the whiskey stench will say enough.

DON'T refer to the picture on the potential employer's desk as a "Sea cow".

On The Job:

It may seem cute, but your computer password should not be "assmaster1".

Don't use email to communicate with your Russian mail order bride.

Don't be late. If you can't avoid it, just refer to your "Terrible herpes flare-up"

If you call off because "Grandpa Billy died" make sure he only dies once.

Challenging your boss to a battle of fisticuffs over the last bagle is a losing proposition. Let it go with dignity.

Addressing the receptionist as a cheap trick who's screening her next Jon wins no points with HR.

Under NO circumstance should you shit on the boss' desk if you think you won the lottery. Make sure your numbers are correct. Believe me.

Quitting:

Hell, if you put in your two weeks notice, all bets are off. Want to slug the fresh out of school prick? Give him one for integrity and another for respect.

Feel free to send a company wide memo with the memorandum "Eat my pain" Be sure to carbon copy Assmaster1.

Follow these tips and you'll be on your way to a soul-crushing experience in no time.

Still Here

2005-12-19T12:13:00.000-05:00

Life's a bitch. I'm trying to get my affairs in order and I'm starting fresh in 06.
So hopefully things will get back to normal around here...

Post Season, Bitch.

2005-11-13T02:55:00.000-05:00

Younstown State has fought hard and made the playoffs. Luck looked upon them and post season is here.

Bring the title home, fellahs. It's been awhile.

Bless This Mess.

2005-11-10T22:58:00.000-05:00

And I don't just mean The Larkins Way. What the hell is happening in France? That ought to take those smug bastards down a peg.

But honestly, what do you think would happen if that sort of rioting were to spread across the United States? How do you think W would handle it? I thought about it and the conclusion I came to frightened me. But I'll leave that at that.

Apparently, the post a comment feature is not working. We'll do our best to get that running something close to normal this weekend.

UPDATE! My furnace is working properly again. Time to enjoy the steamy 60 degree heat wave in my house.

Work got you down? Welcome to the club. At least those greedy bastard can't take my dignity. I sold THAT to heat my house.

UPDATE! I'm no longer a fatass. Now I'm down to a lardass. Score!

I guesstimated how much in taxes I will pay this year then thought about where that money is going. This is how I'm represented? Not so good.

About the photos in todays update: I thought it was funny. Especially the shocked as hell looking rabbit in the back.

I was going to rock down to Electric Avenue, but I fell asleep on the couch.

Ladies, looking for a catch? Grab a glove, I'm pitching some serious handsome.

The blue and gold is no longer looking black and blue. National contenders next season? You be the judge. But the awnser is yes.

That's about it for now. See you on the flip side.

If Anyone Is Still Reading

2005-11-02T22:51:00.000-05:00

The Larkins Way is in bad shape, no doubt. My apathy is not a good thing. Unfortunately there are alot of things that are preoccuping my mind lately. But I'll keep going. Rest assured, I'm creeping in the shadows of our Government's ineptitude. After all, I'm a voter who can't stand this admisistration, who is also on the government watchlist.

With that being said, what the hell is going on? The shit has hit the fan in a way that has to have Clinton saying, "I got a little lovin' and that gets more notice then this?"

Honestly, this administration is coming apart at the seams. People are getting indicted, half assed nominations for Supreme Court are being given out like the head chearleader's number at prom, the war is a complete and utter disaster, our own sons and daughters are being murdered daily for a freedom that no longer looks to be accessable or even wanted by those we forced it upon. W can't handle even the most crucially domestic of duties competently, big business is screwing the working class out of a life, (of which I know people personally who may be forced to take an almost sixty percent paycut to keep thier jobs. Stay up, stay strong folks.) The elderly have to worry about having thier medicine or having food. Good health insurance is a yesterday luxury to alot of people and if you're like me, you're worried about winter because there is no way that the upcoming gas bills will be in any way managable on a middle class salery. That doesn't even cover those living below the poverty level. Which, if you didn't know you bunch of jackasses, there are millions.

You can thank WalMart and companies of that ilk for screwing alot of those people concerning money and benefits. Saleries are shrinking, overtime is being lost, union dues are going up, organizations are going under and who do we have at the helm? A manchild who who is more worried about covering the tracks of his cronies then he is about the citizens who make this country great.

The rich keep getting richer and the rest of us are fucked.

On that note there was a closed door session on capitol hill yesterday forced by the democrats to finally get some awnsers and hold those responsible for the past five years of transgressions accountable for thier actions. Ultimately it was not recieved well by republicans. It was described as a stunt, Unnesessary and foolish. Democratic monkeyshines I suppose.

That's bullshit. I can't find myself getting behind the dems fully anymore but at least this is a start. there are too many years left for the commander in chief to go unchecked. Many past presidents have gotten worse for less and there is a laundry list of reasons to go after W for. For anyone to defend him or turn a blind eye to the situation that has unfolded before us is irresponsible at best, criminal at truth. One can only hope to look upon these eight years and think, "At least it opened our eyes."

I don't often quote song lyrics, but I find this fitting even if it's not supossed to be:

"It's a disaster. It's an incredible mess, but it's all we got now. Howling with laughter, panic, alarm and distress, but it's all we got now. Yeah, that's all we got."

-OKGO

A Case Of The "Mondays"

2005-10-17T19:24:00.000-04:00

This is all I really had in me today. Enjoy.

Also, here is a link to an article where Paris Hilton discusses the eventual return of "The Simple Life". Apparently it's easier to be famous when your rich, skanky and lazy.

http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/TV/10/17/
people.paris.hilton.ap/index.html

Yeah, That's It.

2005-10-12T22:46:00.000-04:00

It has been said that W eluded to the fact that he nominated Harriet Miers because of her faith. Scott "Why me?" McClellan was quoted as saying "She recognizes, however, that a person's religion or personal views have no role when it comes to making decisions as a judge." and it played no role in her nomination. Meanwhile from the steps of Larkin's Way International headquarters I'm quoted as calling that statement bullshit.

Obviously the mental wonder is counting on, at least in some capacity, that her faith will play a roll in her decision making. Trying to say otherwise would be foolish. If Ol H-Dog votes on controversial subjects like euthanasia and abortion without any sort of fudemental religious ideology, I'm a flaming bag of poo. W is counting on her to vote that way and you don't need me to point that out. But it helps.

To think that by this point in his second term that isn't the case, you are a damn moron wo hasn't paid any attention to the last five years and probably cried when Paris Hilton broke her engagment off to go back to being a rich skank. Scott McClellan has to know he is full of more shit then mexican restaurant septic tank and should hate himself if he thinks otherwise.

From day one W has put all the players into place that serve him and his administration to their best, greedy, misrepresenting way. If you feel otherwise, let me know so I can get a headcount on all the jackasses out there still.

With that, we go into year two full steam ahead.