Jive Turkey

Happy Thanksgiving, bitches! I'm gonna eat myself stupid!

Speaking of stupid, hows about that big puckered brown eye of a prime minister in Canada recognizing Quebec as it's ownn nation. Just what we need, some upity French-Canadians getting all high and mighty about being thier own country. Well, at least the rest of Canada doesn't have to be associated with them anymore... jackasses.

Word.

Where From Here?

Well, Thanksgiving is almost here and soon it will be time for all of us white devils to celebrate the near genocide of the proud native peoples of this country making it possible for Americans to traverse the cracked, decaying streets of our mind boggling superficial cities so we can enjoy buying the latest, pointlessly expensive piece of Wal-Mart shit while stuffing our veins with deep-fried lard. This is MY America, and I'll be damned if I'd have it any other way.

In keeping touch with the crass commercial and consumeristic predictability that has come to be the hallmark or our increasingly pathetic society, I have started kicking around a few really wickedly sweet ideas that might help me jump start on the road to being the fashion mogul I always knew I couldn't be, but am willing to fake if it means I may get the chance to see Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Ritchie wrestle it out over a Twinkie shaped like a penis.

Imagine if you will, a bright white room. One blurred out window off to the side with a hint of blue azure, a soft glow fills the screen softening the elegant lines of a beautiful, and full figured woman resting on a couch. She is dressed in a white satin dress gently blowing about in what can only be perceived as an embrace of seduction. Her pout red lips curl coyly into a smile, as if to say, I know what you are thinking. Not a word is said. Her head cocks gently to the side as if to say, explore the surrounding sensuality. As the camera pans out, we see she has a companion… A chimpanzee in a white suit with a red cummerbund. As he flashes his widest and brightest smile, he holds out a bottle. An elegant crystal bottle. As he lets out his primitive shriek of joy, only a whisper fills your ears… LeMurph.

That's my idea for a perfume fragrance. Pretty sweet, huh? The fragrance will be reminiscent of vinilla and lavender with only the slightest hint of regret.

Not to your liking? I was also thinking of going the General Mills' route and releasing a line of teas that will warm away even the most stressful of days and the most burdensome of situations. This new item is called, "Jimmy and Murph's Creepy Love Tea". A relaxingly fit blend of spices bourne out of the shadows of what can only be described as a friendship between two regrettable souls.

As you can see, the idea factory is going into overtime and all my ideas are being paid time and a half. Hopefully, one of these bitches will take off and daddy can shed himself of the shackles of the nine to five grind in favor of an endless, drunken stupor that makes Gary Busey bloated with jealousy. Wish me luck!

A Word From Sam Snow.

This following was contributed by a compatriot of mine. His name appears somewhere in this article, can you find it? Enjoy the update, whoever the hell still reads this. Tomorrow I think I'll bitch about the elections and Bush... I'm going to make an effort to lay off the nudie pictures and get back into the business or writing things nobody cares about. See you there...


1) If you are using a touchscreen voting device, you have no way of knowing if it has been hacked. As the machine does not present you with a ticket/ receipt, you have no way of checking it against the machine's records of when your vote was recorded and who received it. Not to worry, though. As we've seen in the last six years, your vote doesn't actually count, and the courts don't seem particularly interested in seeing the process refined when they have the ability to sweep it under the rug.

2) If you believe that people who don't vote also do not have the right to complain about the way things are being run, how do you feel about participating in a game that is rigged against you? Stupid? You should. The mentality of those who spout this kind of nonsense are either members of the ruling party, or apologists who don't really have an understanding of our government's actual structure. Here's a hint: Once you elect a candidate, that candidate levies taxes or relaxes regulations that will benefit the companies that supported that candidate's campaign. As a voter who probably works a job and is still roughly one month from dining in dumpsters, the average Joe/ Jane simply doesn't have the resources to spare an all-expenses paid junket to a private golf course, where his or her letter to the congressperson probably ends up thrice-folded and wedged under a table leg to stabilize the stripper's dancing surface.

3) Both parties are full of shit. Need proof? Have you been watching any of the political ads these past few weeks? This negative campaigning has gotten so bad that the ads are now completely devoid of any mention of silly shit like, i dunno, policies. How the living hell is anyone supposed to make an informed decision concerning the maintenance of this country if the only time these candidates show any fire is when they level their guns against their opponent? I know people will play along, regardless, based upon whatever AM radio pundit they subscribe to, but third-hand information is seldom accurate, even if the pundit of choice claims that they "pay attention so that you don't have to." Anyone who thinks that they don't have to pay close attention to these asshats deserves whoever wins. And, just because I'm thinking of it, don't trust those fucks that switch to 'Independent' just to save their career. I'm talking to you, Joe Lieberman. I got my eye on you.

4) To quote Bill Hicks: "ALL GOVERNMENTS ARE LYING COCKSUCKERS." (Yes, I believe he actually said that in all caps.)

Just so you know, I do not intend to vote this time. I know, some of you already forgot what I said way up there in #2, so I'll take a minute as you deftly scroll back and reread it.

You back? Alright. To add to that, and a few of the other ones, I would ask you to recall what Kerry said in the days leading up to the election. Except you people that had to scroll up and reread; you're excused.

He said that every vote would be counted. Remember?

Then what happened?

He proved that he didn't even have the spine that Gore had. Sure, they both claimed that they were abdicating for the stability of the country, but I really don't think there were riots in the streets. I don't remember running scared, dodging molotov cocktails, burning flags. My point, of course, being that the count should have gone on AS LONG AS IT HAD TO.

At no point did I surrender my right to vote to the Supreme Court, mainly because the Supreme Court is comprised of officials that I DID NOT ELECT. They only interpret the law, and if they are to err, they better fuckin' err on the side of the people, not these glorified public servants.

The fact that we, the citizens, didn't take to the streets and riot I believe is a testimony to our sense of humor and patience. This is a good thing, but only when our good nature isn't being taken advantage of.

Which brings us to tomorrow, and the question:

If you are fed a constant supply of shit, what does it mean to be a connoisseur?