A beginers Guide To Assholes.

Have you ever wondered what makes an asshole tick? I mean a real low-down awful bastard. The kind of guy that saunters into a room and instantly ruins the mood by interjecting his shit eating grin and insufferably vain point of view thusly and sucessfully making everone else in the room regret even taking the time to show up.

This filthy, no good, slimey son of a bitch is the kind of person who wakes up in the morning thinking to himslf "People want to hear my baseless, uninformed comments on subjects I know nothing and could care less about." You know who I mean. He gets a price check at the dollar store. He can't believe you won't accept his expired coupon. He knows it was his space first and you are disrespecting him by taking it. He'd buy this round but he only has fifties. He slaps the waitress on the ass and says, "Thanks, dollface." while winking and only tipping five percent. No matter who it is, he slept with her and she was no good. Your lady settled for you because she couldn't have him. His kid? Just like his old man except he's the class bully, twelve and still in the fifth grade.

Your boss, your coworker, your neighbor, that guy who sits next to you at mass and every other assorted jerk off that tap dances his way into your life long enough to ruin any thought of performing your banal and mudane tasks in a timely enough manner so as to get home and drink thier existance away.

If you are like me, your life is populated with misreble wretches like this whos only purpose is to build himself up by tearing others down. There is no escape. There is no retreat. Your only hope is to avoid him but he will be there. Meetings? He's setting them up. Lunch? That's when the meeting is. The restroom? He's the guy saying "So this is where all the dicks hang out." The bar? This is where he's honed his skill. If I might, I will present a short list of some of the worst assholes that are around. Be wary of them.

The president
The vice president
Most republicans
Tom Cruise
Myself
Anyone French
Most CEOs and company presidents
Middle management
Boss Hogg
Pat Robertson
All of the 1978 Pittsburgh Steelers
Mr. Dithers
Former Youngstown, Ohio Mayor McKelvey
Kevin Ferdiline
Ronald McDonald
Tom DeLay
Bugs Bunny
That guy who sits next to me every morning on the busride to work
any hipster on the scene
Kittens
The governor of Ohio
Ryan Seacrest
Reality program contestants
Yourself
Jeb Bush
Voltron
Omelettville
Paris Hilton

This is just a small list of many, I mean MANY offenders to modern man's better senses. These swollen, puckered, brown eyes of society are pretty much inescapable. The best thing one can do is to tune these self involved handjobs out and go to a happy place that consists of a monkey mudwrestling a midget.