A Case Of The "Mondays"

This is all I really had in me today. Enjoy.

Also, here is a link to an article where Paris Hilton discusses the eventual return of "The Simple Life". Apparently it's easier to be famous when your rich, skanky and lazy.

http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/TV/10/17/
people.paris.hilton.ap/index.html

Yeah, That's It.

It has been said that W eluded to the fact that he nominated Harriet Miers because of her faith. Scott "Why me?" McClellan was quoted as saying "She recognizes, however, that a person's religion or personal views have no role when it comes to making decisions as a judge." and it played no role in her nomination. Meanwhile from the steps of Larkin's Way International headquarters I'm quoted as calling that statement bullshit.

Obviously the mental wonder is counting on, at least in some capacity, that her faith will play a roll in her decision making. Trying to say otherwise would be foolish. If Ol H-Dog votes on controversial subjects like euthanasia and abortion without any sort of fudemental religious ideology, I'm a flaming bag of poo. W is counting on her to vote that way and you don't need me to point that out. But it helps.

To think that by this point in his second term that isn't the case, you are a damn moron wo hasn't paid any attention to the last five years and probably cried when Paris Hilton broke her engagment off to go back to being a rich skank. Scott McClellan has to know he is full of more shit then mexican restaurant septic tank and should hate himself if he thinks otherwise.

From day one W has put all the players into place that serve him and his administration to their best, greedy, misrepresenting way. If you feel otherwise, let me know so I can get a headcount on all the jackasses out there still.

With that, we go into year two full steam ahead.

The Last Of The Batch

Pick A Side, Any Side.

Now you got the know-how and gumption to go out there and put it to the man. Where to begin? Easy, are you a democrat or republican? Maybe you support the green party or some other pointless cause. Guess what… it doesn’t matter, but it helps. All you really need to do is cling yourself like some worthless barnacle to whichever political boat is riding the high of the current news wave, assuming you don’t give a shit who does what which apparently is the feeling about the country today. Religion, ethics, economics, anything… whoever is the blabbering mouthpiece for whatever is the social moray of the moment; that is the spurious institution you want to align yourself with.

Having finally decided who you are going to represent in the brotherhood of man, it’s time to get out there and bitch, bitch, bitch. Use every chance you have to discredit what the opposing party is feeding Americans and don’t be too shy about attacking their families or business connections. Those connections are only used for the gain of the soulless governmental agencies that control them. A good example would be Dick Cheney. He is an evil soulless republican robot who uses his Halliburton connections to nickel dick the American public and high-jack no bid contracts in the falsely purported war on Iraq in which he was one of the main players who touted Saddam Hussein’s regime as an international threat with nuclear weapons and ties to the September eleventh attacks.

See? It’s that easy to go on the attack. The republicans refined the art of the smear campaign during the duration of William Jefferson Clinton’s term as president. Unfortunately for them and do bear this in mind, presidents grow stronger off the support and admiration of the American public. At the height of his presidency, Clinton was much akin to Superman in his ability to dodge the speeding bullets that were republican pundits. Negative polls and responses are like kryptonite to the Commander in Chief. Grab it where you can and let it loose as often as possible.

Knowing when and who to attack is only part of the process. Depending on your affiliation and desire to be heard, there are options for you and your poisoned bile of an opinion. Choose carefully the one that suites you best:

Newsprint: A daily opportunity to reach the masses and the most likely place to obtain notoriety in the writing biz.

Magazine: This has a bit more prestige for the writer, assuming you are cultivating hard edge stories for Time or Newsweek. It can also be more difficult. Writing about the world’s fattest woman and the world’s skinniest man getting married for the Sun doesn’t really count though.

Books: This is where the money is made and gives you the ability to be a huge asshole. Most people who read your book will assume you know what you’re talking about based solely on the reason that you too the time to write a book. They won’t even need or have to read it to grant you credibility. They’ll judge it on the merits of what snippets they hear on NPR in the morning.

Journalism professor: Only good for nailing pretentious journalism students their freshman year. Remember: Gas, Ass or Grass to Pass.

The internet: This is where every jackass with a computer goes to rant on about pointless subjects and look at porn. No education or credibility is needed whatsoever to pen articles about politics, religion or Xena. The irony of this statement just hit me…

Television: This is a wasteland that should be avoided at all costs. News channels have cropped up all over the dial and each has its own stable of horrible bastards who prattle on about nothing and everything all at once. Watching any of the debate or call in shows is much like staring into the eyes of Medusa in the fact that they will turn you to stone and you will be stuck for all eternity watching Tucker Carlson and his horrible, terrible no good bow tie go on about democrats and left wing conspiracies and all sorts of gawd awful nonsense that makes you want to jam a pencil into your ear.

So pick up th ball and run with it, player.

Third Note

Keepin it confidential

The one inevitable truth of reporting the facts is that from time to time a journalist is going to need to hit someone up for info to help a scathing expose along. One of the most exemplary examples of this would be Deepthroat and the information provided involving the Watergate scandal which roughly involved one shifty president and a whole lotta impeachment. The crux of this piece of fantastic journalism was the length of time that DT remained anonymous as the source of information that made it possible to report such unscrupulous nonsense. Until of course, he became old and wizened with a desire to cash in for as much money as he could possibly get before he succumbs to the cold, icy grip of sweet, sweet death. This is the kind trust and respect that is required of a reporter if he or she wants the money shot that blows a story wide open.

What one needs to keep in mind when searching for an inside guy is credibility and connections. If you are going to rely on JoBob Trailershit, snaggletoothed janitor of company X for the inside scoop you probably are going only going to get info on Jeff Gordon and pickup trucks. Not so good. The perfect candidate for such cutting edge double teaming would be a midlevel intermediary with enough knowledge and access to get what you need, but a lack of any real respect from the soulless, greedy bastard you are looking to screw for your own personal gain. I, for instance, get my information from a senior executive’s secretary who I get drunk off bourbon until they are ready to tell me about every sleaze bag they’ve slept with ever. PRO TIP: Booze is the golden ticket to every revolting piece of information a person with a lack of confidence or self respect has.

Now you have what you need to bury the sons of bitches who are fleecing the public for their own nefarious gains. Of course, you have to remember, that when composing your award winning article, you can never address you informant by name, were you given one. To do so would be the equivalent of kicking your neighbor’s dog after he drags you out of your burning house. The only time its kosher to shit on someone is if they shit on you first, then all bets are off and they deserve what’s coming to them. With this in mind, if you are pressed to reveal your source even under penalty of law, it is your solemn obligation to talk circles around the question and plead the fifth. Do bear in mind if you are going to display this level of journalistic chivalry, you might go to prison and have object forced uncomfortably in regions of your body you’d rather not think about. But, you know, no rest for the wicked.

Ultimately, your success relies on your ability to sell your informant as a stand up person with nothing but the best intentions for the greater good of everyone. How do you accomplish this if you can’t talk about it? Bullshit. Lots and lots of bullshit. The ability to sell someone who might not even exist and make him/her sound like the Pope is paramount in the goal of keeping detractors off of your ass. The moment you falter and show a sign of weakness the dogs are gonna mount you with the sole purpose of discrediting Jerk face Jones’ information all the while making you look the fool in front of the world. Needless to say, that sucks and if it happens, you suck too.

One last thought to keep in mind before hitting the mean streets in the hopes of finding Judas, keep your nose clean. There is nothing worse then getting the scoop on the big soulless conglomerate then having your source go stoolie on you under pressure. If this happens and good time Charlie sells you out, you’ll probably find yourself in a bad crime novel plot drama wherein you will probably have someone taking pot shots at your life. If this happens, take heart. You did your part in uncovering the terrible deeds of incorrigible players. Only, you got whacked before it made it to print.

Editor's Note

Due to work related issues, and not being in the office the next part of the story will not be posted until sunday night. Thanks. Now here is a rhyme I just made up.

Skinny McJones
With light, brittle bones
couldn't buy gas for his car
He walked to the bank
to fill up his tank
and said "With my money I won't get very far"

That was a doozey.

Second Note

Inspiration

There is an old saying that goes "If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen." That’s stupid. That’s why man created the microwave. To become a society no longer clinging to the notion of scorching heat, but still having the ability to cook up a tasty swill that most suckers who happen by will willfully stuff down their gaping maws all the while maintaining the ability to continue parking their fat asses in that dump of a parking lot, the kitchen.

That’s the kind of ingenuity that has assisted mankind from primal, ignorant, naked, ape-man to civilized, enlightened, cheap suited, ape-man. This is the stoic, stand up straight go get em attitude that has given humans the ability to create the atom bomb and the lack of foresight in utilizing it. Somewhere in between a couple of shmucks got together and thought it would benefit the rest of the shiftless slugs surrounding them if they reported every pointless happening in agonizingly excruciating detail as often as possible.

Making record of events finds its origins back millions of years (or four thousand years approx. according to Christian literalist or whatever they call themselves) when cavemen got bored incessantly smacking each other on their big sloping foreheads with tree branches and decided to draw piss poor pictures of stick figures and what can only be described as big black toothpick legged blobs. Popular theory behind this is that these drawings were placed inside of caves where the blob like creatures made den by the knuckle draggers as a warning to their other genetically inferior brethren what grizzly fate awaited any troglodyte who dare enter. It is assumed the painter himself was eaten thereafter by said prehistoric menace.

Not long after, man evolved enough to get his collective head out of his ass, cover his business up in a saber tooth tiger loincloth and build a burgeoning system of community complete with farming and crude instruments for beating other living things to death.

Along with domesticating fire, a new and exciting method of relating daily events was refined by a more advanced yet still incredibly inept forefather to our modern intellect. These hapless bastards used exaggerated gestures and spoken word to imbibe information, wisdom, folklore or whatever else they damn well pleased to make account of what life was like to be passed on to the generations ahead so they wouldn’t act like the jerks before them. Along the way, someone had the bright idea to forge the crude paintings of the past and the new found brain power of the time to form a system of symbols that could be universally interpreted by practicing a new fangled idea called reading. Keep in mind, this was not something that all had the luxury of indulging in seeing most people were too busy farming dinosaurs and wallowing in their own filth.

Right about this time, God stepped in and wrote the bible dictating a system of beliefs that would give man purpose and make Jews one of the most hated races for centuries to come for reasons no one can fully explain unless you’re Muslim or a white supremist with the inside scoop. Along with morals, the good word sustained man through many dark times with many preachers and followers providing spiritual news that would get you where you need to go. Sometimes for a price, but money well spent. This was a good thing considering you probably died of the plague at least once and didn’t want to end up suffering the biggest spin doctor of them all, Satan.

All of this led up to the renaissance, which involved a lot of painting, an apple falling on some chumps head and the granddaddy of all newsmakers, the printing press which was invented by Steve Gutenberg, whom centuries later was reanimated and forced to act in terrible 80’s situation comedy movies. The press itself was a boon for all considering it made it chick to be literate and a new era of learning and discovery was ushered in for all to partake, assuming you were given permission to read or leave the fields you toiled in for some overbearing, fat prick. This was roughly the last time when anything worth mentioning ever happened in the history of reporting the news. What follows in the next paragraph is a list of notable but not quite interesting milestones in news history in no certain chronological or factual order.

Waterloo beautifully summarized at the end of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.
The French Revolution, crediting the French with the last time they used their backbones.
America’s discovery, we all know how THAT worked out.
China constructs The Great Wall, found to be not so great but "pretty neat".
Romans, Rome, Roman Orgies, Vomitoriums, Caesar, Brutus and Popeye, they pissed it all away, didn’t they?
Irish Free State, settled for a free pint.
The Crusades, the beginning of the greatest hate-hate relationship two religions ever saw.
Plymouth Rock, bitch!
Boston Tea Party, no biscuits were served.
Paul Revere as: Midnight Rider.
Revolution, American Style.
Lots o wars.
WWI, Franz Ferdinand gets himself assassinated and Germany stirs the shit pot.
WWII, second verse same as the first, little bit louder, little bit worse.
The Holocaust, unless you don’t like Jews. Then it never happened.
Light bulbs and electricity and phones, oh my!
Korea
Vietnam
Hippies
Watergate
Laced Kool-Aid
Regan, Russia and one heated cold war
All sorts of other shit I’m too lazy to mention.

All the while, coked up jerk faces were there to report it all. Lately, journalists are in a reinvention of sorts trying to shake things up by reporting hot button issues with complete and utter bias. Hell, The White house bought their own reporters to keep the good times rolling. This truly is the golden age of information.

The First Note

Journalistic Credibility


Every year, wide-eyed hopeful kids enter this great land’s institutions of higher learning with the determination to blow thousands of dollars, consume gallons of alcohol and fornicate with countless Abercrombie clones while studying journalism. Most of this is done with the promise of one day graduating with a decent enough GPA to go out into the world to obtain a soul crushing position reporting half assed "news" that will never be capable of even remotely paying student loans but provide enough responsibility to be the cocky shallow presumptuous cutting edge reporter with the utmost concern and passion for whichever hot button issue that can be clung to and humped dry.

This is the sort of moxie and ethics I outright lack, but that isn’t of my concern because any information I site will have been "obtained through credible anonymous sources" and out of respect for them and journalism, I will not name names. This works to my favor seeing I can say pretty much whatever the hell I please and no one will be the wiser.

The lack of integrity this showcases is the foundation on which this haphazard shanty of a long, boring rant is to be hastily built upon. Enjoy.

Celebrate.

IT's official. We've been around for a year and like most other things that a year old, we're still whiney, loud and shitting ourselves. Starting tomorrow I will kick off for you, the reader, the project I started and never ever finished. If it's something people like, I will continue. If not, saves me some time. See you then.