Watchin' Me, Watchin' You.

This is going to seem after the fact and a little too "Old News" to most of you, but it still gave me a chuckle and a reason to write something stupid. Really that is all it takes for mew anymore and seeing that The Larkins Way is creeping up on one year in the idiot business, I gotta keep it fresh. Or stupid. Mostly stupid but that goes without saying, so on with the show because surprise, surprise, ol Murph is on the government watch list. Quite an honor bestowed upon me indeed.

I was doing some traveling this week for my nerve wracking, soul sucking job and it required me to pack myself into a big, silver, gravity defying metal menace of the sky, plane. The act of flying itself doesn't bother me much and actually I quite enjoy it still getting that sense of awe every time I realize I can be thousands of feet up in the air and still drop a deuce with the greatest of ease.

What does bother me is getting stuck next to some fat, sweaty sack of flesh that won't jam his hole because he's nervously chuckling at every lame ass quip the flight attendants spew out over the PA, because they hate every sorry bastard on the plane as well as themselves for dropping out of law school to become a flight attendant. At least that's how it is for Steve Ratherford. He hates EVERYTHING. Even you.

But that isn't what this is about.

What it is about is while I was checking my bag and scamming my ticket, I was asked to produce identification. Fair enough I thought until the attendant said my name showed up on the government watch list to which I replied "Sweet, I didn't know the government needed to watch me. They're going to be pretty disappointed." That didn't get the laugh I hoped for.

Now I understand this happens to millions of shmucks everyday and probably happens to every person with my particular name, unless it is actually singling out me, then I'm truly flattered. There will be no bitching about privacy or how they rifled through my bag on both flights, that's the deal now. I dig. I'll do my part as an honest citizen and the security people will do theirs confident in the knowledge they are doing their part to protect assholes like me. I on the flip side of that coin get to have the chuckle over the fact that they had to dig through my dirty undies to check my deodorant and soap with little hairs stuck to it. That's the process and I, like the rest of America, am resigned to it.

I think from now on, when I fly, I will have a pic of me in my birthday suite holding a daiquiri and giving an enthusiastic thumbs up in my suitcase. If those kind souls have to spend theirs days going through peoples shit, might as well try and give em a laugh.

Oh, yeah. Big brother probably is monitoring this right now. Chew on that one conspericy theorists.

Growing Pains.

It's becoming increasingly obvious that God, Allah, Mother nature or whatever the hell you believe in is pissed at the good ol USA. At least W is finally trying to look sincere with his concern over the latest impending natural disaster. Though it is ironic that Texas looks to be getting the brunt of the storm, so one has to question is this because his administration dropped the ball or because something is looking to mess with Texas. Too little too late, jackass.

This being said, the staff of the Larkins Way is going to be suffering a storm of it's own real soon in the form of "The Jimmy". After alot of debate, bribery and coniving, the contributing staff is going to grow by one. The Jimmy is bringing his own tasty mix of sarcasm and cynicism to an otherwise terrible site in the hopes of scaring off whoever still suffers this virtual dump heap.

After his background check clears and we're certian the guns being bought won't be used against us, he's getting a desk, ID badge and a key to the luxury vehicle that is The Larkins Way.

Look for a fresh spin on the same shit real soon and be sure to bring a nice basket of scones to welcome the newest contributer to the epicenter of the internet.

She Turned Me Into A Newt.

Wiccans, Witches, Pegans, Mormons. Call them what you will but they're pissed and they're gonna get crafty on you. A recent article on Netscape suggest that the media's presentation of witches (otherwise Wiccans) is incorrect and deflamatory in origin.

According to a very affluential Wiccan, they got it all wrong: "I've yet to see a witch wave a wand and turn someone into a frog, other than in the Sci-Fi channel's advertisements," This coming fom a man who must not only be a gigantous nerd but has practiced the craft for more then 20 years and goes on to state Wiccans are Peagans but not neccesarrily Witches, which can be Wiccans but not Pegans, which aren't always Wiccans. This fellow goes on to state that they are not affiliated with the devil or any of his nafarious legions. I bet. That's what they want you to think, that's how a witch operates, duh! Those slippery goofballs just can't wait to trick you into entering into thier candy house in the hopes of shoving you in a boiling pot for a little dinner of your stupid ass.

Most Wiccans (wich as an entity have exsisted sense the early 1900's) criticize movies and television for putting across untrue stereotypes of them being freaks and wierdos who run around with broomsticks tied to thier crotches and prosthsetic warts on thier noses. Actually they're kooks who needed an excuse because they were the outcast in highschool and what better way then to run around with all the other pale faced goofuses going on about casting goat's blood spells (which we are assured are as real as unicorns and leprechauns) on you and being a level +48 dark mage.



If you ask me, they're all lame. But that's not what is up for debate here. What is up for debate is wether or not they are getting a fair shake and after watching shows like 'Charmed' and 'Sebrina the Teen Witch' I'd say they are glaming you chumps up a bit. Putting a little pizzazz in a otherwise dreary belief. Hell, Scientology is actually considered legit by folks cause they have shmoes like Tom Cruise and John Travolta jackassing around going on about it. Kabbalah? Modonna and Britney Spears and it's the "it" belief as we speak.

Honestly, what you need are a couple of hot ticket people of the moment to get your system of customs and rituals off the ground. What about Chris Tucker and that lady from the Swiffer commercials? You know, the one who dances around while cleaning to that Devo song. Sure they might not be Hollywood powerhouses but given time and a few well dropped names, you'll have every jerkface that ever got a ten movie contract begging to go onto Larry King so they can crow about how Wiccans are the best thing sense botox.

Think about that for awhile and see how you feel about how the big 'H' dog characterizes you.

Sneak Preview: End Times

Having finally recovered from the enudating of some of the most disturbing images and aftermath of my short and questionable life I'm troubled by the harsh realities that they have been unceremoniously pounded into my pale, doughy sack of flesh. The complete breakdown of society in just one devestated city that compiles this great land was shocking indeed. I was always one to think, "Not in MY U.S.A."

Egg on my face because it's just been proven if a major disaster hits, it's every son of a bitch for himself. To be honest, I don't have that 'me or them' go get em attitude so startlingly portrayed in the Gulf. But to be honest, for food and water we will all do what is necessary to insure the saftey and survival of our own. Unfortunately this catastrophy also proved there are more then enough fuckers out there willing to do as they please creating death and havok in an already terrible situation. If you are one of them reading this, burn in hell.

Another unfathomable consequence of this tragedy was the realization our grand governement is as inpet as a retard at a Mensa gathering, which I apologise for saying seeing I mean no harm to the mentally handicapped. I shouldn't take the cheap shot comparing them to retards. All offensive comments aside, our administration backed by "You can never take enough vacation" George W Bush was fantastically slow on response. All these chumps who feel the government acted swiftly and appropriately should suffer the same horrible fate and then come off to America about how they feel about disaster response. Apparently, they didn't see this one coming... oh wait, they did. You can all burn in hell too. All this suffering and those jerkoffs patted themselves on the back for a job well done.

This begs the question, "What about a terrorist attack?" Well, put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye. W is more concerned about photo ops and looking concerned, which he didn't. And Luara Bush? Go back to Washington and be quiet for the next two and a half years. Not the time, not the place. Our government as a whole, Democrats and Republicans, let not just those poor souls affected by the storm but the whole country down.

Americans are strong no doubt and in time that region will, God willing, recover. But this should serve as a wake up call to all citizens to the state of affairs in this country. To let this go unabated is a slap in the faceto all the lives, homes, security, normalcy, trust and hope lost and everything we as a collective stand for.