That's Rubbish!

Today, it was reported that Prime Minister Tony Blair made the statement that he was "Astonished" by the claims found within secret British documents that the U.S. was rushing to blow the hell out of Iraq saying: " Bloody 'ell guhvnah, these right cheeky Yanks 'ere be topwankin their ganglydorfers." He then proceeded to throw a cup of scalding hot tea in the Queen Mums face while yelling "Parliament, bitch!"

The rest of the interview was spent talking in circles and stuffing fistfuls of biscuits in his gaping maw. What gets me concerning all of this is how Blair doggedly follows W around like some lovestruck nerd hoping to catch a glimpse of the cheerleader in her bra from the tree branch outside.

It makes sense that in this crazy, tops-turvy, Hillary Duff versus Lindsay Lohan world you'd want to buddy up with a bonified winner. Unfortunately it's not always wise to form alliances with a half assed quasi-politician whose only redeeming factor is that one-day he will cease to be president.

Hell, its getting so bad, even the cows in Texas are getting mad. That's really a feat considering cows are pretty lucid creatures. Way to be Tony B and W. You two are grade 'A' jackasses.

Return Of The Revenge

Well, what to say? It's been awhile and a staggering amount of insipidly hideous news has caked itself onto the toilet rim of our society. Guess the ol' Larkins Way ought to get around to cleaning a little house. But first...

Where the hell I've been? It's interesting that you should ask that very question. As it is, I've been traveling the world in stylish suits using interesting gadgets and swapping DNA with the loveliest of ladies all the while protecting you, John and Jane Q. Slug from all sorts of nefarious evildoers.

Come to think of it, that was James Bond. I've been drunk and sleeping in my underwear on the couch. Not as exciting, but no less noble in execution.

Sense I've roused out of my sweet, boozy-fueled respite, Michael Jackson got off. On his 10 counts of misconduct, that is. He then proceeded to get off on little boys. Oh Michael, you incorrigible scamp.

Terri S' autopsy results were released stating what every jackass with a brain knew, hers shrunk to the size of a grapefruit, or a cantaloupe. Whichever you prefer more. Of course her parents didn't buy this liberal falsehood and continued to argue with science and facts AND scientific facts.



Also, Jeb the slack-jawed yokel used this "in" to try and reopen her case and find out why it took so long for Mr. S to respond to 911 when she collapsed. Thanks, Jeb! You're number one! At being a horrible, terrible, no good jerk off.

Mean old Mister Frist? Denied making an armchair analysis of Terri. Unfortunately he did say such on national television. Oops!

Bolton's still a prick and the Democrats are still weak. Surprise, surprise.

The amendment has been passed where it now illegal to burn the American flag. Because, y'know, like, bajillions were being burned everyday and we need something else besides God to hold in high reverence. Now, if we can just get the flags dipped in gold…?

Gitmo's still a mess, Iraq is still a mess and W's numbers are the lowest in his two terms and sense Tricky Dick. Now THAT'S an accomplishment. Speaking of accomplishments, China has made its way up the list of credible threats against America. Now, if only we could pencil in North Korea.

As a last note today, I am including a segment of a conversation earlier between Omelettville and I about new music bands. I thought the anwser to his query was quite witty. Much to my chagrin, it was lost on him:

Om: You ever listen to The Streets?
Mu: no. what's the word on them?
Om: pretty good
Om: How about Ben Kweller?

Is This Thing On?

Hey, kids.

It's been awhile and do I have a story to tell you. Unfortunately it's quittin' time and I'm heading to the bar right now, so we'll have to catch up a little later.

Oh, I'll probably be drunk.

Also, Tom Cruise is a bitch.

Word.

Aloha, Bitches

Thanks for all the kind words from everyone regarding my wedding.

It's 6:38am in Maui. The wife and I went to a Luau last night. This Luau had a five-course meal, and what they referred to as a "premium" open bar.

I ended up eating and drinking so much that I puked in my hotel room.

Aren't honeymoons romantic?

Way To Be.

This is for all the Dems out there in Washington.

You spineless bastards.

Let me elaborate in a half-assed fashion further. You first tout your filibuster showdown in a grand fashion, (which I have been waiting for sense last November). Then when it comes down to the last minute, you buckle like a bunch of bitches because Tom Delay and W (easy targets) put pressure and heat on you to the affect that they will abolish the filibuster if you keep up you DEMOCRATIC duties. Way to be chumps. Way to show the rest of us voting democrats how ineffectual you can be.

I suffered the slings and arrows of jackasses throughout the election so you could nominate three of W's judicial nominees, one of which is more conservative then the word implies. What's her name, from Cali, like that makes a difference.

What have you gained? Another ride into the sunset to fight another day? To hear the lot of you crow, we don't have another day but you'll put your tail between your legs to sniff the shit another day.

Great.

Now you want to block the vote on the choice for U.N. ambassador, John Bolton? Guess what, you've been broken. Democrats hold no weight anymore. If you think it can be pulled off, you're more religious then I am, cause I don't even think the good Lord is giving a nod in your direction anymore.

The moment to take a stand and make a change has passed and the democrats took it in the back. Want to look out for the rest of us slugs? Better start preparing for 2008. By what I gather that slack-jawed nitwit Jeb is getting gussied up for the next election. I personally can't take your back seat driver attitude any longer. Get your shit together. I'm tired of watching this godawful farce.

Murph's Guide To Summer

While being responsible and washing the car today I came to a startling conclusion; I am so very terribly pale. This fact became undeniably apparent to me just a short time earlier when a wicked sunburn kicked in on my fragile epidermis. It feels like a heated skillet is resting on my back and looks like I've been slapped for an hour straight by so many drunken shriners.

This got me to thinking that there must be others out there who suffer these solar enduced indignities and would probably benefit from the years of suffering I've endured trapped in my freakishly chalky skin. So here, today, I going to run down a short list of the "dos and don'ts" to sumertime survival for the likes of us who envy all those tan sons of bitches who strut around like golden leather demi-gods.




1) If you are an albino, forget it. You probably burn on a moonless night. You guys make me look like George Hamilton.

2) Big floppy hats keep the sun off of your face but make you look incredibly goofy. Unless you have no life, avoid this social pratfall.

3) Follow the steps of the overweight, don't take you shirt off. Ever.

4) Stay inside and befriend a nerd. You can while away your days pretending to be an elvin claric in exciting games of "Dungeons & Dragons"

5) If you do happen to burn, consume copius quantities of rum. This will aleviate any pain.

6) Do NOT attempt number five poolside. It only works post sunburn. Prior to such can have negative affects such as super F'n burnt.

7) Ozone awareness is a must, whatever that means.

8) Don't forget to say "Hot enough for ya?" any chance you get.

These are just a few suggestions that can help to make your summer fun not in the suna bit more pleasant. If you do have to venture forth into the cruel scorching day, do not forget that we, the pale do not exsist by the same rules that our more sunshine adept brethren do. Take caution and heed my advice, stay inside and get drunk.