Memorial Day

Go out, shake a vet's hand and buy em a beer, slugs.

Sabbaticle

Congratulations to Omeletteville, may the Lord above bless him and his Missus to a long life of happiness and good fortune.

She is a wonderful woman, you two are meant for each other.



Now for the waht have you.

I'm out for a while. I apologize, but this isn't giving me the support to continue constantly. I really want the Larkin's Way to flourish, but I do not see it happening.

I'm taking a break. If I think an update is necessary, I'll get stupid. For now, I am gonna let what happens, happen.

I'll probably just post links to events for now until I get my shit together. But for now, I don't think anyone going to miss us. See you when I see you.

Idol Chit-Chat

America casted thier votes tonight for the next American Idol and the big winner was... hell if I know. I hate that show. Why does everyone get so stupid over a skank a British homo and countless talentless hacks? Sure everyone says "I love watching the people who can't sing" Yet, weeks later those same chuckleheads are still going on about whatever mass produced and marketed shitbucket is still haming it up on stage with delusions of granduer. (I'm looking at you Kelly Clarkson or Clay Aiken. Whichever hits bottom first)

You know who I'm casting my vote for? Squab. That's right, the funny sounding word gets my vote for the next American Idol. What qualifies squab for such a prestigeous title? First off squab is tasty. Hands down squab got it "going on" in this department.

Second, Squab can carry a tune like a whore in an outhouse, whatever that means. But damn, that gotta be something to hear. All those jackasses on stage can't bring what already's been brought... by squab.

Third, don't you worry about third. You best worry about yourself.

Fourth, squab kicked Ruben Studdard's ass for stealing the whole zip code thing. And trying to eat him. The "Velvet Teddybear" is second best to the "Silk Squab"

Fifth, Squab nailed Paula Abdul first but doesn't talk about it becuase she was, in squab's words, "A weak trick"




These are just a few of the admirably deplorable traits of what is soon to be America's next favorite idol, squab. How it has gotten to be where squab is passed up time and time again is a shame and a crime. We all need to do our part to insure victory from this day forward. Forget whatever cookie cutter tramp or quasi-straight chump those rapscallions over at 'American Idol' force down our throats, stand up to proclaim with pride and fervor "Squab is a singing superstar!"

Together, we can do it.

Where Is My Muse?

I've been flaking out something fierce as of late but you know what? There isn't anything that keeps the beat strong day after day. I honestly try to keep slapping pointless nosense up here frequently, but sunshine and naps are getting the better of me. I guess I don't have that "Nerd Gene" that keeps chalky white, sickly looking kids with scragly beards inside all day only leaving occasionally to take the assumed identity of Kazdor level +96 Wizard/Dark Mage to get poteens of double whoppers and the latest "Magic Power Troll" Magic the Gathering playing card.

However, you are my guests here and like any good host I should provide a snack of biscuits and tea whilst we awkwardly enjoy each others less then stellar company. So here's a little something for all youse to chew on, an open letter to the First Lady.



Dearest First Lady,

How goes things? Good I assume. I'm getting by alright so no need to worry yourself. The reason I'm writing you is because I have been reading about your trip Jerusalem and the subsequent fallout.

Eh, not your best move. Please, don't take my words to heart but heading to one of the most volitile regions of the world on some lame good will tour was really weak. Most of those people really dislike your husband, "W" and don't give two shits about his bookish, mousey wife gawking around at thier most sacred places of worship. I'd imagine if someone you really didn't care for came poking around your church, you'd probably be a little curt with them.

Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike you. You seems leaps and bounds smarter then your husband and hopefully you can finally teach him to read and speak proper. But let's face it, you're a First Lady and honestly, you're dead last on the big list of people who count in Washington. That's not my rule. I think it's in the constitution. Look, all I'm saying is maybe it's best to keep your yammer shut and just look pretty for the nation. It worked for Lady Bird. You'll have all the time in the world to write your memoirs on the almost incredible things you did while playing second fiddle to your man-child husband after his term is up.

Trust me, it's better this way.

Sincerely,

Murph
murph@larkinsway.info

We're Looking Into It.

No doubt most of you are aware of this ghastly business in Uzbekistan. It looks to be the people were a wee bit upset about the imprisonment of seemingly innocent people but they could have terrorist ties, there are conflicting accounts. The group the government holds responsible for insuing riots says it isn't. Can't be sure.

What IS the facts is close to seven hundred (may not be accurate) people are dead after soldiers opened fire on the crowds killing their own and civilians (This includes women and children.) What exactly happened is a bit foggy considering all press was booted and everything is second hand account.

In a rare showing of balls, sweet lady England issued a statement condemning the actions as an abuse of civil rights, jolly good chaps. But to combat this bad press which will more then likely hurt the booming Uzbek tourism season, officials there issued their own statement saying: "From where has Jack Straw learned that law enforcement had 'opened fire on demonstrators' if that did not take place at all…" Uh, probably from the people who watched law enforcement open fire on the crowd, I reckon.

Again blame was passed to terrorist factions and the claim the call to fire upon civilians was never given. No explanation was really given why lots of people got shot if no word was given to do so.



So, got all that? Good. What's America's feeling? "Eh, work it out." I mean it's not like we have a military installation in that country where we operate in our war against terrorism and therefor could assist and look deeper into these claims of terrorist involvement or civil unrest. I mean, that's our THING, man.

Oh, wait… we do. We operate an air force base within that country. Funny that. Also, it has been said that W tolerates the "oppressive, authoritarian" pseudo president because of an interest in central Asian oil and gas. NO! Not W! How can this be?

It appears that if you buddy up with ol W, you get a blind eye looking after you. Hell, soldiers can hang out in my living room if W will fix my parking tickets. Park a Sherman Tank in my space on the street if I don't have to pay taxes next year. What's mine is yours pal, as long as I can do as I please without you interfering.

Everybody Wang Chung Tonight

I'm pressed for time, so I'm going to make this short and sweet.

A new report paints a grim picture on life in Iraq and given all the explosions and death, it aint getting no better.

People in Afghanistan (You do remember Afghanistan?) are protesting our presence and a few have died. Wasn't this supposed to be our template for spreading freedom?

Smokey And The Bandit likes men. There, I said it. What are you going to do about that, Smokey? Cry for me baby-shits-his-pants, cry.

See you suckers later.

Make With The Cute, Kid.

The greatest research project ever has been conducted and I read about in an article titled: "Alarming News About Ugly Kids". I laughed until I almost puked when I read that and honestly contemplated not reading the article, so as not to ruin whatever fantastical, stupenderific information it had to share. But I took the bait and dove in headfirst.

It appears doctors from the University of Alberta observed 426 children/parental interactions at grocery stores for a length of ten minutes at a time to see if the child was buckled in or if left to wander from the cart and how far. It should be noted the researchers independently judged the attractiveness of the children on a scale of one to ten with, "How freakin' adorable is that?!" as the best and "Look at that one! I'm going to have nightmares just knowing that child exists!" as not so good.

What has all this proven? Parents hate their ugly babies and pay them no mind in the store. The findings show the "homely" children were seldom, if ever strapped in to the cart and generally left to wander off further so ma and pa beauty pageant could make their escape from their unfortunate looking demon seed. The good-looking shits on the other hand were dipped in gold and worshiped by all in their presence.



"Why does it have to be this way, Murph, you handsome devil?" you may be asking, and frankly, the explanation that was given was quite simple indeed,

"...Harrell blames it on a parent's instinctive Darwinian response. He insists we are more likely to unconsciously lavish attention on attractive children simply because they're our best genetic material."

Sort of like the Yankees only without that fossil Stienbrenner to hem and haw about whatever the hell he goes on about. So as you can see, if your little bundle of joy is more like a little bundle of disgrace, It's ok to feel bad and let him or her wander off at the store. It's GENETIC. And that makes anything acceptable. Except ugliness.

I Thought We Were An Autonomous Collective.

The polls are open and U.K. voters are deciding wether or not they want that half-assed mouth piece Tony Blair to keep hanging around the Parliment.

I can honestly say that I am not too well versed in the dealings of politics in jolly Ol England other then Prince Charles married a man and Harry Potter is quite an incouragable scamp. And an evil witch.

But I do know that Mr. Blair has been W's cronie from day one, blindly following suit to a psuedo-cowboy eating up his misinformation and squating it out as "fact" to the people of the U.K. I've even read articles comparing this coupla nitwits to Winston Churchill and FDR. That has to be the worst, overdrawn, unfathomable comparison ever drawn. I'm sure those two great men have been rolling in thier graves for years now.

Not that I blame our British bretheren, even though they DID repress my ancestors but that's in the past. They're a pretty quick bunch willing to smoke out a joker when he oversteps the line and we will soon see what they have to say about good sir Mr. Blair.

If any of you who suffer this misreble pile I call a website are in fact from the U.K., drop us a line and let us know what the hell your government is doing to explain itself. I'll call it "What's Banging In Britain" Bloody good show.

Hello, Do You Know Me? I Rock.

It would seem my detractors have risen up against me in a bid to slay this mighty beast. What they haven't realized is that I'm too freakin' sweet to go out like that. The next few paragraphs will be used to go into further detail about this subject and as an added bonus it will be entirely written by, you guessed it, ME! So without further adieu, here we go!

It's easy not to fully comprehend the magnitude of my machismo, moxie and over all 24-7, non-stop, totally bitchin'-ness. Sure, you can say "That Murph's pretty sweet. I bet he kicks some wicked ass!" And you'd be right. But you'll never truly know the limitless boundaries of my superfluous exuberance.

To keep circles with the crème de le crème of society is too mundane and banal a concept for the likes of a happening cat like me. I dictate what is "it " and what is merely "not it". Fashion, music, movies. If the hipsters dig it, it's because they want a taste of my table scraps. By the time it gets to them, it's yesterday's news to me.

I made you and I can certainly break you. That's what I tell the boss and you know what? He says, "Yes sir. Can I get you some more coffee?" That's right scooter. I call the shots and I'm calling for the shot in your mouth. I make the decisions that get the decisions decided and it's not looking too good for you. I'm the man behind the woman behind the man.

Star Wars? Originally it was called "Boring Shit In Space" I threw in the Death Star and a wookie and POW! Another hit for the slugger. Julia Roberts? The story of 'Pretty Woman' was about us. If it wasn't for me, she'd still be eating kitty litter and doing smack in alleys. I won all the Tour De France medals for Lance Armstrong to make it up to him for sleeping with his then wife and I'd do it again. Why? Because I rule!

What I'm getting at here is, I'm like concentrated cool or more precisely, coolinium, the pure element of cool. I've got more funk the George Clinton and soul to spare. Know what they call me down on the corner? The 'White Chocolate Funkenstien'.

That's right. That's how it is.