I've Got Nothing.

There really isn't anything that is going to get written today, so a link has been provided to a website of some of the craziest shit to be squat out onto the internet.

http://www.prolognet.qc.ca/clyde/eng.htm

Folks, this is the kinda loose screw, mentally unstable insanity the internet playground was created for. So far, "The Coming American Holocaust" is the best yet. Not to give away anything, but the New World Order is gonna kick some serious ass soon! Here's a taste:

"The news article also said, ‘...hopes the yard may be able to solicit
work repairing private train cars, and perhaps subway cars from Washington, DC, or other urban areas.’ The repairing of private trains is a dead giveaway to death cars!"

No doubt! That's what I thought too! Now there gonna put me on thier "RED" list!

Now if you will excuse me, I have to go put my tin-foil hat on so the government doesn't steal my thoughts while I wait for the reptilian alien invaders.

No Child Left Behind

What's going on here? It seems yet ANOTHER teacher has been caught diddling a student. This time, it was a thirty year old intern getting it on with a 16 year old student in a car behind the school with, get this shit, her KID strapped into the child seat in the back. Let that one sink in.

What the knick-knack-paddywhack hell?!

I can't get that sea-cow working the counter at Ponderosa to give me a second look, but this greasy, pimplely little turd is nailing an intern. An intern! I can't even nail a board. You're trying to tell me some freshman chucklehead who probably still spends his Fridays pretending to be an orc while playing Dungeons and Dragons gets an intern? No no no, something is not right here.

I could let this slide if it was an isolated event, but it's becoming more and more frequent and I'm losing more and more of my mind. If they were at least ugly you could say, "That's desperate, fool! I guess you gotta scrape the bottom of the barrel." But no, most of these teachers are fairly attractive leading me to believe the end is nigh.

I now know what needs to be done.

I'm going back to school, fools! I figure if I shave my beard, make myself look a little gawky and say I'm fifteen, I'll put all those prepubesnt clowns to shame. The kicker is, it wont even be illegal! That's good for the teachers bottom dollar. If I was squirrley once in highschool, by gum, I can be again and this time, I'll have dates on the weekends... with the teach!

David Lee Roth said it best, "I've got it bad, I've got it bad, I've got it bad, I'm hot for teacher" Watch out you nerdy little chumps, you've got some competition coming your way and I don't need a note to stay after class.

So sit down, shut up and listen up. Class is in session and professor love is gonna learn all your punk asses.

New Look brought to you by a terrible mess.

Say hello to the new addition on the top of the Larkins Way home page. We've officially made him our new mascot!

We feel that the fire in this man's crotch symbolizes the mess that is the war in the Middle East... while the panic and flailing you see represents this administration's complete lack of control in regards to the entire situation.

Enjoy.

Murph: Seer-Soothsayer.

What the hell? I've seen into the future and now my horrible premonitions have come to fruition.

What am I talking about you might say? Which of his drunken ramblings is he wetting his drawers over, you muse?

"Church Holds NASCAR Event to Draw Crowds"

Not long ago, I passed the joke here at LW that the church was to become a sponsor of Nascar and Baldwin help me it has come true. Can you fathom what this means? This gift I cannot accept nor understand has cursed me with the knowledge of the horrible truths that lie ahead.

"Minutes before one of Sunday's services at Salem Fields Community Church, Thomas Foster drove a few laps around the Daytona 500 track… The car was parked outside Salem Fields as part of NASCAR Sunday, the church's second annual event combining racing and Jesus."

Now I’ll admit, I’m Catholic and I have a good working idea about what you should and shouldn’t combine with Jesus and I am going to go out on a limb here and say: NOT RACING.

The particular house of God in question had pictures of Nascar drivers hung throughout the church, there was a country band and Corey Feldman’s lost innocence help me, a mini #8 car and Goodyear tire onstage. The clergy wore shirts that said Nascar pit crew and they had a big freaking screen t.v. set up so all the local yokels could watch.

If I remember correctly, when merchants set up shop in the synagogue, the Big Guy got a little upset… this would probably kill him… again. The co-pastor Buddy Martson, yes THAT Buddy Marston, assuming you know him, is quoted as saying, "Our church tries to find what the culture connects with, and then connect them with Christ and the church." Buddy has even used Nascar analogies in his sermons. I’d imagine if you want to connect with your congregation during mass, you would do it with oh I don’t know… GOD. Not cars driving in circles for way to long for me to care about.

The point here, if there is one, I don’t know, this post is quickly spiraling out of control. But regardless, the point is if you need a gimmick to bring people in, maybe they’re not so worried about the churchin’ as much as the cars driving in circles wasting precious fuel that could be used to propel my lazy ass around.

And you know what? I called it. At the end of the day, when it counts, I kick ass. I see what your clouded minds are too feeble and scared to comprehend. I’m like the magician Merlin only a hell of a lot cooler.

Oh, and something about North Korea and nukes or whathaveyou… blah, blah, blah.

We Report, We Decide For You.

TLW News top stories:

The president lobbied for 419 billion dollars for defense and the war effort today... also, in an unrelated story, the terror alert has been raised and it has been leaked out of the Pentagon that terror attacks are emanate due to lack of 419 billion dollars. So remain scared until W gets what he wants.

Condoleeza Rice had strong words for would-be terrorists today stating " If you got oil, watch your back. I'm sure you also have nuclear weapons we will need to forcefully dis-arm you of."

Donald Rumsfeld can still do no wrong. Don't ask questions, it's un-American.

Ted Kennedy was found hatching dubious plans with John Kerry to discredit about the president today, it was later determined former president William Clinton was ordering the tasteless smear campaign from his throne of liberal lies.

It has been decided to reform social security by investing half into powerball tickets, those who wish to can pick the numbers on their given amount. Obviously, this will fix the system. All praise republicans.

There is nothing wrong with the public education system that needs immediate attention, all formentioned monies will be channeled into the war effort against evildoers and those with ideologies of hate or they will kill you in your sleep.

It has been discovered that democrats will dissolve the fundamentals of American society and rename the country "Soullesslibralgaymariagebabykillinggodless Land" if allowed into power. That's as bad as being foreign or a terrorist, which is basically the same.

Tune in at the top of the hour to listen to two of our most narrow minded yes men argue why you are stupid for calling in to disagree with them.

TLW News: Fair & balanced, in our favor.

Mid-Week Update... of DOOM!

In a half-assed attempt to do something resembling a post, I am going to take a bunch of headlines I skimmed over while goofing off at work and make uninformed, uneducated and hopefully offensive remarks about them.

A warning was issued today regarding the inevitability of terror attacks against the United States, summing it up with a "Matter of time". If any of you have taken a cab in Mid-Town Manhattan, I’d say the terrorists are poised to attack. Ironically, car bombs were mentioned as one of the methods followed closely by burnt falafel.

Condoleeza Rice had strong words to deliver Syria today in response to the attack in Lebanon, in letterform that simply stated: "Do you want to be invaded? We would like to invade you. Circle yes or no. Love, W’s puppet." As of this posting, she is hoping for a double team including Iran. She’s insatiable! Wink!

Ashley Olsen is suing the National Enquirer over "scandal".
C’mon guys. It wasn’t coke and anorexia. It was speed and bulimia. How could you be so careless?



Death sentence for self proclaimed "Sausage King". I’ll let that one write itself.

The Government is currently working on a program that involves robots to use in military situations. The idea was hatched upon the presidents 57th viewing of ‘The Iron Giant’ He was overheard discussing that a company named Cyberdyne was working on something called SkyNet until it was destroyed by someone who spookily resembled California’s governor. The ‘Cheney" prototype has thus far proved to be "problematic".

The missile defense shield failed again. Good lord, it must have a public school education. It will never find work at this rate. Good work W, your own creation will spend its days living off of hard working guys like me. Thanks.

That’s about it for now. As you can see, things are as exciting as the first of the month in a crack house right now in America. Keep an open eye for events happening in your neighborhood!

First things first.

Read this shit. I haven't been this pised in awhile.


(Former U.S. chief weapons inspector David Kay urged the United States on Wednesday not to make the same mistakes with Iran that he said it made with Iraq ahead of the second Persian Gulf War.

Former President Jimmy Carter, meanwhile, said that even a pre-emptive strike against Iran's nuclear facilities "would not be successful," but he agreed with U.S. officials who have demanded more transparency from the Islamic republic.

In Belgium on Wednesday, U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said Iran must live up to its international obligations to halt its nuclear program or "the next steps are in the offing."

"It's obvious that if Iran cannot be brought to live up to its international obligations that, in fact, the IAEA [International Atomic Energy Agency] statutes would suggest that Iran has to be referred to the U.N. Security Council," she told reporters after meeting NATO foreign ministers and European Union officials.


"The message is there, the Iranians need to get that message, and we can certainly always remind them that there are other steps that the international community has at its disposal should they not be prepared to live up to these obligations," the secretary of state said.)


The Larkins way is taking bets. "When Will We Invade Iran?"
I say within a year and a half. Five bucks a head to bet.

Who will win?

It's a sad, sad, sad, sad world

While flipping through the channels yesterday, hopped up on over the counter dope Omeletteville pumped me full of to keep me quite, I chanced upon what has to be one of the most disturbing things I never thought up.

"The Puppy Bowl"

This was Animal Planet's answer to the Super Bowl and my lord, was it creepy. Now, having an assload of puppies romping around, chewing on random things, sniffing each others asses excitedly in roughly a 6' by 12' space made up to look like a minature football stadium for about 10 minutes (I say 10 minutes because I changed the channel but when I changed back, it was still on.) seems odd enough.

Unfortunately there was no sound, save for slobbering puppies and a low, quiet, almost menacing music score. To top this all off, at one point a dog shat on the floor and a guy came out on his knees... DRESSED LIKE A REF to penalize the puppy 10 yards for illegal object on the field or something like that and proceeded to unroll paper towels and clean it up... while on his knees.



Is this what we have become? A society so consumed by atrophy that we would rather watch dogs shit on television rather then watch them shit in our own back yards? The internet itself is a shrine for every weird fucker out there who dresses thier dogs up like babies and astronauts and then posts the pics along with some freakishly bizaar story supposedly written by said animal for the whole world to see. And they're proud of it! Honestly, this was one of those things that killed me a little bit inside.

Please, people. If you are one of these wacky sorts, stop. If not for me, for your pets. At least lock them in the garage with a bowl of stagnate water like the rest of America.

Thanks in advance.

Faugh-an-ballagh

The IRA has pulled out of thier weapons pact again fueled by accusations of a 50 million dollar hiest and whatever else they are fighting over anymore.

Round and round we go again. Good Friday Peace Accord, ye never had a chance. As usual.

Union, how's your state?

Tonight is W's State of the Union Address. Surely he will outline all sorts of wonderous, fantabulous monkeyshines he plans on getting ol Uncle Sam into for the next four years. But you have to realize, to get his speech to a concise, coherant form

1) He's not allowed to write it
2) Many ideas need to be cut from it

Here at The Larkins Way, we have used our prowess, connections and beguilingly handsome charms to obtain a early rough draft of this magnificent political opus. Here, tonight, we will outline some of the lesser points that were unfortunately left out. So read on and see what is in store that you wont hear form the horse's ass's mouth.

*Every Tuesday is two for one corndogs in all public schools.
*An admendment to social security privatization includes betting on dice games held behind the White House.
*Dick Cheney wil be twenty-five percent less creepy.
*W will learn to pronounce 'nuculear' correctly. Everytime.
*Every couple who names thier newborn Haliburton recieves a no-bid contract in Iraq.
*Anyone making less then 25,000 dollars will be stripped of thier citizenship and deported.
*Anyone making more then 500,000 dollars outside of the U.S. will be offered no strings attached citizenship and a felt cowboy hat.
*Same sex marriage is now legal.
*Homosexuality, lesbianism is now illegal.
*Christianity is now a proud sponser of Nascar.
*An oil rig in every backyard.
*Don King to be crowned actual king; to wed Queen Latifah.
*Wil-E-Coyote placed on top of terrorist watch list.
*Yoshi to be placed on endangered species list at request of Super Mario.
*Middle East Peace Process replaced with Middle East Peas Process due to higher likelyhood of success.
*Wal-Mart to single handedly employ every Iraqi with a sub-livable wage job.
*A hug first ask questions later policy.

So, as you can see, there are alot of changes in store for us in this great land. It looks as if we're all gonna be kept on the edge of our seats!

Huzzah!