Mid-Week Update... of DOOM!

In a half-assed attempt to do something resembling a post, I am going to take a bunch of headlines I skimmed over while goofing off at work and make uninformed, uneducated and hopefully offensive remarks about them.

A warning was issued today regarding the inevitability of terror attacks against the United States, summing it up with a "Matter of time". If any of you have taken a cab in Mid-Town Manhattan, I’d say the terrorists are poised to attack. Ironically, car bombs were mentioned as one of the methods followed closely by burnt falafel.

Condoleeza Rice had strong words to deliver Syria today in response to the attack in Lebanon, in letterform that simply stated: "Do you want to be invaded? We would like to invade you. Circle yes or no. Love, W’s puppet." As of this posting, she is hoping for a double team including Iran. She’s insatiable! Wink!

Ashley Olsen is suing the National Enquirer over "scandal".
C’mon guys. It wasn’t coke and anorexia. It was speed and bulimia. How could you be so careless?



Death sentence for self proclaimed "Sausage King". I’ll let that one write itself.

The Government is currently working on a program that involves robots to use in military situations. The idea was hatched upon the presidents 57th viewing of ‘The Iron Giant’ He was overheard discussing that a company named Cyberdyne was working on something called SkyNet until it was destroyed by someone who spookily resembled California’s governor. The ‘Cheney" prototype has thus far proved to be "problematic".

The missile defense shield failed again. Good lord, it must have a public school education. It will never find work at this rate. Good work W, your own creation will spend its days living off of hard working guys like me. Thanks.

That’s about it for now. As you can see, things are as exciting as the first of the month in a crack house right now in America. Keep an open eye for events happening in your neighborhood!